Story of my life :P

I'm on a rollcerocaster of emotions at the moment and I just want the ride to stop. Generally I have been coping ok the last few weeks since it happened, but as time goes by where we don't speak, it just hurts me inside and I cant seem to get over myself. I haven't gotten upset since I've been back home because I've put up a wall around me and generally, I don't like to share my problems, especially in front of my parents. It's mostly on my mind most of the time, and I just have this lingering feeling of sadness over my head. I know it's over but as it was such a shock to the system, it's taking me ages to get used to that fact.

I have so many questions that I feel I want answers to, but in a way, is it better to leave them unanswered and just cherish the memories and happiness? But then again, I have never been sure how he feels towards me, and he couldn't answer when I asked. I know he must have felt something towards me if we've been together for that long. It just saddens me that he didnt love me enough to overcome the distance :( I loved him (still do) so much that I was willing to make it work, even though it wasn't the ideal situation. But I reckon that's what people are like with their first serious partner or someone they fell deeply in love and cared about so much.

It's so hard not being able to talk to him either, I miss his phonecalls especially. Just hearing his voice and talking to him about everyday life, mixing in a bit of randomness. It's so hard to resist striking up a conversation with him whenever i see him online. But I have to get over him and it means minimising contact :( I cannot imagine not being able to talk to him for rest of my life (hopefully) as he's been such an important part of my life. I hope we can be good friends and hope my feelings towards him are only feelings of friendship.

If I didn't have the World Cup or work placement, I'll be going insane. Even now, I find it hard to distract my mind off him and the whole situation. I have to stop caring about him so much. But I wanted to write all of this down, and talking to other people has helped me too :)

Bah, I just wanna talk to him. But I dont wanna make the first move. I hope I dont end up on this rollercoaster for a long time, cos I'm not liking it so far!

I have been made joint contributor so go over to see me ramblings! I did start off a blog before being made contributor which you can view on http://lilmisssnowshine.blogspot.com Go check it out and feel free to comment!

In my 1st pharmacology practicals for the 2nd semester, I think my group got the best experiment to do out of the 5! :P Had to see the effects of ethanol (ie alcohol) on performance and their relationship ot breath concentration. Guess who volunteered? ;) hehehehehehe! It was a 15% solution (vodka and orange) and the alcohol was equivalent to 4 shots of vodka mixed with orange juice! They gave us the amount relative to our weight and I was exactly 57kg so I got a lesser amount. Still, I felt light headed after a gulp or two! Had to drink it all and do a breathlyser test, keep a pointy handle thing on this little target, whilst the disc it was marked on spun round, the reaction light test and writing the relevant shapes to numbers (each number had a shape, you had to draw the shape in this number grid). Obviously cos I was so red, and displaying the signs of drunkenness, my co-ordination and reaction times went a bit shit :P I was still red after experiment had finished, and dont think I fully recovered until i got some sleep after I got home, after stuffing myself with Pizza Co Chicken ....... mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm So about 5hours later since I started intoxicating myself, I felt fine again! Hehe.

Plus we're gonna have a male stripper in our house! :O It's a surprise mini bday party for one of my housemates' friends, so should be interesting! ;) Hehehe.

In todays news:

1) Exams have been completed. Half, I feel I have passed and the other half is debatable. I think one is borderline and the other two, god knows. I have no idea when results are out, but for the past 2 years, they have always been near my birthday. A coupla days before usually. I've looked at my timetable though, and we have a tutors meeting in week 3 which is where I got my results last year. I really dont want to know what the marks were for the crappy 3 exams, just a simple pass or fail will suffice.

2) I have been lounging about, perfecting the art of being a bummer since exams have finished and will end when I start uni again 2moro. It does feel nice not being under stress or working, but the first thing I did after I came home from the last exam (and saying hi to my housemates) was to tidy my room. During exam time, I felt it was such a mess, especially my comfy chair was full of clothes which I didnt bother putting away, and my desk was getting piled with papers and crap. After tidying up, I looked absolutely spotless and in order. Felt like I had OCD :P I EVEN sorted out my coppers cos my coin purse was overloaded a bit, so got a quid out of pennies! I'll take it to the bank, once I have 20 2p coins, cos then I'll have a quid of 2ps too.

3) Not going to doublevision for a long time after being stood at the bar for OVER an hour for a drink! It was ridiculous, ppl around me were getting 30 drinks at a time, and the fucking bitch skipped me! I just asked for water in the end, cos I ain't paying money for a drink which I have waited over an hour for. But one good thing is I wore my new pretty top! :D It's oriental like, and it's so pretty and feels so silky (it's not silk though, prolly a cheap alternative :P). MINE! :D

4) Hopefully me and my best mates can start talking on MSN but it's so hard to get hold of Becky. Where are you Becky? :( I know how busy uni is (come on, I prolly started it all off in my circle of friends and in my house :P) but I dont want to neglect my friends or family. There are important things as well as passing a degree.

5) I finally got round to watching the dvds which I bought before xmas and took home in the hope I'd watch them (I didnt over holidays). And I watched memoirs of a geisha. That was good, but slow start. Someone said the little girl is the girl from Rush Hour, but it isnt. Dont dispute the best movie site www.imdb.com :P She was really good anyway, and hope big things happen for her in the near future.

6) I'm so bored right now, that I want to play board games (well I did suggest this when I got home after last exam) but 2 of my housemates have gone out with their circle of friends, one's away, one's with her bf here, and the other one has gone to her bfs. This must be what an only child feels like when they're ickle :( Yeh, I'm having at least two children :P

7) My birthday is just over a months time and Ive kinda decided (cos I'm broke) to have a board games party with alcohol cos it can involve everyone and board games are fun! :) I might decide to go ice skating as well, but some ppl I know, refuse to ice skate (spoilsports). I know it's my 21st and I should do something outdoors wise (meal or going out to bars/clubs). I might go out for drinkies but I dont wanna get drunk, plus I'm not rich. Anyway , I like board games, and it's my birthday so I get to decide! :P

Not much else really, been pretty lazy over weekend, and been by myself most of the time anyway. It's nice having the house to myself, but sometimes I do wish to have some company. Especially my best mates, havent seem them since the wedding :(

1 down, FIVE to go! .... yes I have SIX exams this semester! Doesn't beat the record of 2nd semester in 1st year (SEVEN exams, bloody hell .... how the hell did I get thru all that? Amazingly I passed 5 of them, 1 was a bit of a shock and the other, I knew I failed :P I went out the night before it was on but it was on in the afternoon so that makes it slightly better :D hehe Btw I knew I would be back for resits and considering it's part 2 of the one I failed in Jan, I thought I'd fail it too :P hehe).

So one of the worst exams has been done, I feel that I revised the right questions but unfortunately there's only so much my brain can take, plus all the complex terminology and substance names ?!?!?!? I feel that's borderline.

Next one is 2moro, and then have another the day after (that's quite crappy too....negative marking mcq :S). I'm just gonna be shattered after all this. I'm cutting down on sleep to make sure I can read thru and revise everything needed. Not always the case. Plus I feel indifferent to how I felt this morning, before I took my first exam. Ok, a bit of weight of my shoulders, but the stress and pressure is still there. Wont truly go until I leave the Sackville st big building at bout 11.30 on Thurs 26th (maybe longer cos me and my friends like to talk about the exam after :S)....woo! :D:| "I want to break free.....I want to breakkkkkk frrreeeeee...."

In other news, team Tangui has reached 11 months today! :D (As in the wednesday) Yay :) *victory arms shaking movements thing*

1. name:
2. birthday:
3. place of residence:
4. what makes you happy:
5. what are you listening to now/have listened to last:
6. do you read my lj:
7. if you do, what is particularly good/bad about it:
8. an interesting fact about you:
9. are you in love/have a crush at the moment:
10. favorite place to be:
11. favorite lyric:
12. best time of the year:

RECOMMEND
1. a film:
2. a book:
3. a band, a song and an album:

PLUS
1. one thing you like about me:
2. two things you like about yourself:
3. put this in your lj (if you want) so i can tell you what i think of you.

WOO:- Gonna go to my first footie match next Saturday! :D Gonna see Ipswich thrash Portsmouth :P ....unlikely to happen :-| but is gonna be a good first time experience hopefully :) Heh, just trying to think of how I am gonna break the news to the parents :-| it's not exactly gonna be "have a good time!" happysmileyfaces all round :-|

BOO:- We are screwed over new years as our chef has quit, so need to find one really quick, ....or be buggered over new years (esp eve) and be really busy, stressed and moody. What a way to celebrate the new year :-(

Revision is going like crap as ever, only 3 weeks to go, and I feel confident on achieving 10% max for each module (i've started revision on 3 out of 6) that I have revised. How does our department expect us to pass with flying colours unless we started revision on the 1st day of uni and have no social life whatsoever??!! Insane ppl.

So the dreaded week begins, juggling revision with working my arse off just to feed people's stomachs (some who can be so ungrateful that sometimes consider spitting in their food before giving it to them) and I was called unexpectedly to work. Yup, reminded me why I hate working but of course, I just have to get on with it cos I'm not at home for most of the year. Plus visiting the worst people on this planet on what is meant to be one of the happiest days of the year (ie xmas day), yet am FORCED to go and see, and to be all "happy happy". Fat chance. It's been going on for 10 years, surely my dad gets the hint (well he does but still forces us all to go).

Merry xmas everyone.

NB Cos I have such a guilty conscience (which doesn't help at the worst of times), I know there are people worse off than me, I have a family to go see on xmas day, get fed lots blah blah blah BUT I can only be truly happy at xmas if it goes the way I want it to go, I do what I want, I see who I want and I don't have to work for the parents. Revision on modules which I have no idea about doesn't help me either.

Bugger, there goes my plan to not wallow in self pity and to bring everyone down with me.

So revision is just boring :( For the past...4 xmas', I have had to revise over the holidays which is just not nice. Doesn't help either when I'm dragged into work for the parents either, which I really really really really really cannot stand! But mum said to me I only have to help out xmas eve and new years' eve, which is still a pain in the arse itself (it can get mega busy) but at least don't need to help out at other times. I really envy ppl who can celebrate xmas, and in particular new years eve in their own way, I have no choice in what I can do those days, I HAVE TO WORK! I have no say. Until I have my own job, and have my own house which is still several years away, so that's gonna be just dandy. Well actually, until my parents give up the shop, and have no idea when that's gonna happen. Might be dragged to come help out EVEN if I did have my own house (or living elsewhere, paying rent, more like :P). Even my sister's fed up and wants to move out. Hence one of the reasons I'm in Manc, too far away to come back and help at weekends. We have our own lives to live, but it's like the parents still expect to come help out everytime we come home. And we have to come home. Mum plays the guilt card which does work most of the time, but it's kinda emotional blackmail as well. No fair :(

Anyway, I've started revision, day after I arrived home. 1st exam in under a months time so have to make a move. Not going that great, it's very slow cos have to read and take it in, and make sure it stays in. I have 132hours of notes to go thru...great :| Prolly covered 2 at the mo. Yeh, so revising intensely over the "festive period", except xmas day (I rather revise than visit rellies), and parts of boxing day and new years eve. Oh joy.

Btw Kevin, my little bro really likes kittyangelstar's "waving girl"! Hehe. It makes him laugh :)

I fixed the internet on my computer and now it works! :D WOO!

I just thought "maybe I should take out my wireless card and see what happens"....whoops! 8-) lol!

Doesnt solve the overall problem that I have to SHARE it :( I suggested to Dad that we should just network and he'll consider it after xmas, double woo! :D